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What Makes A Couple Happy?
by Scott Kudia, Ph.D.—www.ScottKudia.com
Husbands, wives, and third party observers watched
videos of couples talking to each other. They were then asked
to evaluate and score specific comments as being
either positive, neutral, or negative.
WHAT THEY FOUND: Couples in happy marriages
rated their spouses comments as being mostly neutral or
positive and assumed they had good intentions. But in
unhappy relationships, partner's perceived each other's
comments and actions to be hurtful or negative. Even when a third
party observer interpreted a comment as being neutral, the
unhappy couple thought what their partner said was
negative. Positive statements were heard as being neutral and
neutral comments were interpreted as being negative.
If you beat a dog every day he will flinch when you
try to pet him because he's expecting the worst.
After a while, the dog won't be able to tell the
difference between a hand that wants to pet him
and the hand that wants to hit him. For us it means
we get so used to negative or hurtful comments from our
partner that when a complement is given it is disregarded or
not believed.
This constant negativity creates distance between
partners while positive comments lead to a deeper
connection. Partners who look for the positive in
each other's actions are happier. But what else do
happier couples do that makes them so happy?
There are 3 general indicators of happy couples:
1. BE FLEXIBLE: The ability and willingness to make
adjustments instead of blaming each other is a key
component in a happy relationship. When something
unexpected happens they are able to adapt and
adjust on the fly. Instead of pointing fingers, the couple rolls with
the punches.
2. FORGIVE: If one partner hurts or disappoints the
other, the frustrated partner is willing to talk about it.
Discussing it let's one partner understand how
he hurt the other. It also allows each to let go of
any negative or unpleasant feelings so they don't hold a grudge.
3. LAUGH: Humor helps keep problems in
perspective and knowing when to be serious and
when to laugh it off is crucial.
By utilizing flexibility, forgiveness, and laughter, the
couple is supporting and reinforcing each other's self-
esteem. Both partners feel safe and loved. They are not
attacking. Instead they are supporting, appreciating,
and accepting their partner.
Ultimately, it's not how you feel about your partner,
it's what you do to him or her that matters. Your feelings
only mean something to you. But your actions and words
mean everything to your partner. By being flexible, forgiving, and
laughing together you are being supportive, appreciative, and
accepting.
The three main questions to keep in mind when
you're communicating are:
- "Am I being supportive right now?"
- "Am I being appreciative right now?"
- "Am I being accepting right now?"
If the answer to any of these questions is no, then
you have to ask yourself:
What's more important, winning the argument or
being in a fulfilling relationship?
Remember, relationships are not about gaining the
upper hand or winning more arguments. Relationships
are about negotiating, compromising, respecting,
supporting, and loving each other.
About the author:
As a bestselling author (If This Is Love, Why Am I Unhappy) and through his popular seminars, Relationship Specialist, Scott Kudia, Ph.D., has empowered thousands to overcome their obstacles and experience a better love life. Scott's innovative work combines traditional psychology with the latest cutting edge technologies giving you the power to create more fulfilling relationships. His seminars are some of the most unique and powerful relationships in the world. Scott's passionate and inspirational speaking style always leaves his audience enlightened, empowered, and thoroughly entertained. Above all, they leave with the ability to connect more deeply with their partner and ultimately get more from their relationships.
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