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by Gwen M. Hurd, LCSW, ACSW
Communication is Key
Communication is the foundation of
all relationships, whether it occurs
within our families, with friends or at
work. How we communicate directly
relates to the quality of an experience
or relationship. Communication operates
on two levels: internal and external.
Paying attention to the messages we
give and receive can assist us in knowing
what emotional work needs to take place
to create healthy productive relationships.
Learning to understand our internal
communication is vital to clearer
communication with others.
Internal communication occurs in
numerous ways beyond thoughts or
internal dialog. The effects of our inability
to communicate can sometimes
be measured in aches and pains, or
illness. It is important to consider all
aspects of life when physical aliments
are present. Physical aches, pains and
illness can be our body’s method of
communicating. When we are not in
touch with our needs or attempt to
ignore and discount their impact on us
it can be reflected in our physical health.
Choking on our words or throat problems
may be related to not speaking up
for ourselves. Breathing problems may
be related to making ourselves small
by not standing up for our beliefs or
by holding our needs as unimportant.
Bottled up and unexpressed anger may
cause one’s heart to be sick.
Dreams are another form of internal
communication. A dream may simply
reflect feelings of overwhelming stress.
Many times, however, dreams help us
process emotions and feelings. For example, victims of childhood traumas
will often have dreams where the abuse
is replayed. Throughout their healing
process these dreams change. Initially
the victim or someone they trust takes
a stand against the abuser. In a dream,
they may express anger towards their
abuser; they may vocalize how they feel
in a way that was never afforded in
person. As healing occurs, the dreams
reflect an acknowledgement that the
abuse has stopped and there is room for
healing. This does not take away the fact
that the trauma occurred, but it does free
the individual stunted by the abuse. This
internal healing is one way victims of
abuse become survivors, enabling them
to change their lives. They begin to stand
up for themselves, make clear healthy
decisions, take responsibility for their
choices, and ultimately change their lives
for the better.
Choices and behaviors are informational
keys to what we need. Addictions to food, cigarettes, alcohol, or other
substances often begin as a way of sucking
down or stuffing emotions. Instead
of speaking when we feel angry or hurt,
we eat, smoke or drink. In the beginning
the substance is used only when we are
uncomfortable. If we continue to ignore
internal messages, eventually the use
can become habitual and necessary to
managing our life. This is one example of
how what begins as an unhealthy coping
mechanism can grow into a physical and
psychological addiction.
An individual is 100 percent responsible
for his or her 50 percent of any
relationship. It is imperative for each
to speak their needs and wants in as
clear a manner as possible. If others do
not understand what we have said, it is
up to us to repeat, rephrase or reprocess
the information until clarity occurs.
Articulating our needs may not be comfortable;
however, if we are not clear it is
difficult to move forward. When you have
not clearly communicated, it is common
to assume the role of a victim and blame
others. We say, “I tried to explain it, but
they just did not understand.” Or, “I tried
to tell them how I feel but they just did
not hear me.” I would suggest when we
are not heard it is our responsibility to
continue communicating until the message
is understood. The other option
is to walk away without being heard. If
this happens regularly, it is important to
evaluate the quality and sustainability of
the relationship.
There are two primary keys to assuring
messages are as clear as possible.
The first is to use “I” statements: I am, I
feel, I need, etc. This makes it apparent
that you are the one responsible for what
you are saying and what you are feeling.
“I feel angry” and “You are making me
mad” give two very different messages.
The first message implies I am responsible
for my feelings, whereas the second
message states I am giving my power
away and “you” have control over how I
feel. No one has the power to make us
do anything. How we react is our choice
and responsibility.
The second key is to wait to communicate
issues that are difficult until you
are no longer experiencing the emotional
reaction. This allows for a message that
is clear, less intense and easier for the
receiver to hear. Keeping these two ideas
in mind can take the emotional charge
out of interactions. Diffusing the situation
or environment makes it safer and
less likely to explode.
It is important to keep in mind
our relationship with the person
with whom we are interacting.
For instance, if it is someone we are
fond of or have an intimate relationship
with, our words need to reflect this. If
in one breath we are telling our family
how much we love them and in the next
we are screaming about the laundry,
we send a mixed message. Generally
when one screams about the laundry it
indicates that they are not feeling taken
care of or not being understood on some
level. In addition, when we are listening
it is important to hear the other person’s
words in the context of the relationship.
If we are the one being screamed at
because of the laundry, it is important
to understand that this is a symptom of
a greater issue, and getting the laundry
done is unlikely to solve the problem. The
laundry is not the point; the point is that
the person yelling is seeking an external
solution to an internal dilemma.
Frequently in intimate relationships
we expect our partners to “know” what
we want or need, and then we get angry
when they do not come through. We feel
if we have to verbalize what we want it
becomes less special when we receive it.
We think, “If s/he really loved me s/he
would know.” People are not mind readers.
Often we do not express our needs
for fear they will not be met. We are
then left not knowing what to do next.
Internally, it is healthier to take the risk
of articulating our needs. One of two
things will happen: we will get what we
asked for, or we will not. If it is feasible
for our partners to follow through on our
requests, yet on a consistent basis they
do not, then possibly we need to reevaluate
the relationship.
Another vital key to successful communication
is listening. Active listening
means to listen for understanding
while setting our personal agenda aside.
Awareness of the issues and triggers
allows us to be present for the other
person and what they are saying. It
might not always be painless or pleasant
to hear another’s message or feedback,
but it is imperative to a healthy relationship.
We can argue details with our loved
ones when they are expressing their
anger, fear, sadness, or joy, or we can
listen and respond to the overall message.
Approaching interactions from this
perspective also reduces the emotional
charge and encourages open communication.
Typically, reactions are based 90 percent
on history and 10 percent on what
is going on at the time. For instance, if
one is not comfortable around anger,
when they perceive someone is angry
they may stop listening, whereas someone
for whom anger is not a trigger can
remain present in the interaction. If we
have grown up in a dysfunctional family
and have not worked through the issues
this can create, we are more likely to
accept dysfunction in our lives. In fact,
because it is familiar, we may not even
acknowledge or recognize it as unhealthy.
Responding by first reiterating what you
have heard can accomplish two things:
it provides time for you to collect your
thoughts and process what is being said
before you respond, and it allows you to
clarify the message to assure you have
indeed heard what is being said. Once
the message is understood the response
may be less charged and therefore more
clear and relevant.
In most circumstances, it is better to
speak what is on our mind rather than
to suppress what we need and ignore
its significance—even though we may
have to wait until we are calm enough
to do it appropriately. People are like
teapots. We can handle only so much
pressure inside before we explode. It is
healthier to speak when we are beginning
to steam than to wait until we have
reached the boiling point. In this way,
we take responsibility for ourselves and
come to relationships as honestly as
possible. In the end, the only way a relationship
can grow is through a foundation
of clear communication.
Gwen M. Hurd is a graduate of the
University of Chicago’s School of Social
Science Administration. Gwen is a
licensed clinical social worker. For the
past 15 years she has worked in both
clinical and administrative capacities.
Currently, she has a private therapy practice
in Michigan City, Indiana.
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